Sunday, June 27, 2010

Home alone....

June 17, 2010

With my mom and Hannah gone the house has grown quieter by losing 2 of it's 5 human occupants.  The dogs of course are still as barky and yappy as all hell so you don't really have a long bout of silence unless it's bedtime and each pet has claimed a human to be near. 

I slept like a baby last night.  Part of it was from being back in my own bed but I'm giving 1/2 the credit to the ambien that the treating doctor prescribed for me upon discharge from the hospital.  When I had talked to both the Internal Medicine doctors and the Hematology/Oncology doctor that was handling my case they seemed perplexed at the idea that I had requested medication for sleep and anxiety at the time of my diagnosis but had been turned down by my oncologist. 

Hmmmmm.....lemme think on this for a sec.  Is anybody else screaming "get a new doctor" in their head too??  Just wondering.

So I was prescribed 5mg of ambien.  Such a teeny tiny pill....but oh how it makes this insomniac sleep. 

I woke up feeling pretty good.  My appetite wasn't the best but I managed to eat toast and have hot tea without throwing up.  Score!

Olivia is home with me today and she looks like she is about to go out of her mind.  She is not one who likes to sit around and being stuck with me who can't drive (due to intermittent numbness in my feet and left hand) to say that her summer, at this juncture, was boring would probably be an understatement.

Feeling horrible about keeping her here I told her she should call up a friend and see if anyone was free to do something.  I could see the worry in her eyes because just 30 minutes prior to saying this she had witnessed me trying to go into the kitchen and make myself something to eat and having to take a break every couple minutes.  As I made my way back to my bedroom I had to keep both arms out to brace myself along the hallway because I felt lightheaded. 

These are all things that occurred after returning home from my first hospital stay so it wasn't a shocking scene.  The difference between then and now was that I had my mother here for the "just in case" moments.  Just as I wanted a more normal summer for Hannah, hence me sending her to Georgia with my mother, I wanted the same for Olivia.  I don't want either one of my kids to be burdened by my diagnosis.  If things end in an unfavorable way, meaning I lose the battle with Leukemia and I die, I don't want my kids to look back at the summer of 2010 as the year they spent watching their mother get sick, fight like hell and then die.

I want there to be some kind of distraction for both of them so as to keep their interest elsewhere when times get tough.  When Olivia came back into my room and asked if there was any possible way that she could go out with a friend I immediately told her yes.  Then I realized that her going out would mean I would be alone in the house.

Home alone for the first time in close to 2 months.  Woot!

What to do?  What to do?

I thought about busting out my best Tom Cruise in Risky Business moves but realized I'd have to move some furniture that was out.  Then I contemplated running a hot bath, with bubbles, and taking a long soak while reading a book.  But I can't get my left arm wet (that is where the PICC line is located) and I don't have the attention span to read a book.  Seriously, I read a couple chapters and then have to go back and reread them because I've already forgotten what their plot lines were.

In the end I scooped up Penny and with hot tea in my other hand made my way back to my bedroom.  Once I got us both settled into bed I hit play on "The Hangover" in my DVR.  It may not be the most exciting way for me to spend a Thursday night, but at least I'm spending it laughing.

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