Tuesday, June 1, 2010

My oh my...what a perfectly shaped head you have...

May 20, 2010

I thought I would have been more upset.

I thought there would have been tears.

Hesitation maybe?



When the clippers were clicked on, after my mother and I had a good laugh at the fact that they were actually for pets and not people, I felt like it was a welcome sound and not the thing that I once feared.  Of course the fact that the last time these clippers had been used was to shave my overly hairy dog Bridget and had most likely come in contact with her ass and now they were gracing my head felt completely normal.  This is my life.  Things are always a bit skewed and it keeps life interesting.  Ya just gotta roll with it and in this moment...my head was gonna be the ball.  Or the bald.

I could feel my mom's hand shake.  I don't know if it was the magnitude of the moment or if she was still laughing about the pet clippers gracing her first born child's head.  Either way, I began to see the remnants of what was left of my hair fall to the floor.

It didn't take long before the head that had been cloaked in hair for just shy of 33 years was once again free to take center stage.  In that moment it didn't seem to matter anymore what I looked like.  I'm not trying to go all Hallmark card/Lifetime Movie of the Week because we all know A) it's not me and B) that crap just ain't funny.  But there it was...a feeling of "it's just hair, it's not what defines me and this is but a bump in the road" and in the grand scope of cancer this was nothing. 

I had a friend that brought me scarves to cover my head and I was flattered by the thought.  Everything that people have done since learning of my diagnosis has made me realize how truly blessed I am in this experience.  But just as quickly as I opened the bag that held those scarves I made the decision that I wouldn't hide the fact that I no longer had hair.

I'm only fearing showing my children.  Not so much Olivia because I think she can wrap her mind around this whole mess, but I worry about Hannah and how she will react.  I don't know how much time I will have to ponder that thought because I have no idea when I will get back home and be able to be with my girls without the rules of the Bone Marrow & Transplant unit in the hospital.

It's now day #24 and as each day ticks by I feel less and less anxious about what it will be like once I'm no longer in the protective bubble of this unit.  I'm not going to say that I'm not fearful of this diagnosis and the possibility of an unfavorable outcome but with the last wisp of hair that fell onto the floor from my head so did that powerful hold that this diagnosis had on me. 

So with that....I give you the "new me"....... 

...and now I will be accepting ideas on what I should do with all the time that I will be saving on washing my hair, conditioning my hair, drying my hair, styling my hair...finding hair ties, finding the right hair products...and on and on.


  1. My dear sweet girl....................YOU ROCK!!!
    The scarves are not to hide the symptoms of your illness, it's to protect you from this hellacious sun! lol .. I fuss at Joe all the time because his hair is thinning ( who am I kidding? he's downright bald!)I tell him all the time to wear a hat but does he listen? NO!!he always gets sunburned! I find your take on, I want to say your illness but I think just everything in life, extremely refreshing( you are most honest, a quality not everyone has)!... you say that going through this makes you realize how blessed you are.... I know that feeling because everytime I visit with you, read your blog, speak of you with friends, I know that I am blessed to be able to call you my friend!>>>> Love you and of course if you need anything.... even if it is something to wrap your chicken in... call me!! I'm only a few blocks away! Tell your mama I said hello! I love her!!

  2. Obviously, I didn't read this before I sent the email about the cute cap I wanted to make for you! :)

  3. forget about the fact that you are incredible writer, you are pure inspiration. lots of hugs and positive thoughts coming your way.