Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Hair today...gone tomorrow

I had hoped that cutting my hair super short would keep me from having to shave it all off.  Once again, I was mistaken.  I swear this cancer crap is making me feel about as stupid as I do when I'm trying to understand my 5th graders math homework.  Way to kick a girl while she is down cancer!

Although large clumps aren't coming out and finding themselves lounging upon my pillow to stare back at me when I wake up.  But just from Monday when it was cut to this evening I am seeing more hair falling out and I don't forsee it getting better.  So instead of letting myself look like a human with a case of mange, I am gonna bite the bullet and shave it all off. 

I'm nervous as hell.  You'd think I was sitting here contemplating what appendage to cut off.  The nurse practioner that did my last bone marrow biopsy is known to shave patients heads when they are ready to take that step, so today when my mom was visiting we told him that we would be requiring his services.  He said he didn't have his clippers on him so he would come and see me tomorrow.

All the nurses have been really supportive and keep telling me that I will feel much better once it is shaved.  I hope they are right.  Jon says that he will shave his head as well so that I don't feel alone.  I think it is both sweet and laughable at the same time because my husband keeps his hair so short to begin with that going bald really wouldn't be that drastic a move for him. 

I'm still touched that he would do that for me.  When Hannah came for her visit to the hospital we had talked about the fact that I may lose all my hair and Jon said that he was going to shave all his hair off if that happened so I wouldn't feel alone.  Hannah just got this look on her face like "you better not expect me to shave my head". 

I assured her that we wouldn't expect her too.  But the look on her face seemed to say "I don't believe you people for a second so I'm gonna be sleeping with one eye open". 

I'm hoping that once it's done I won't have an emotional breakdown, but knowing me...there will be more than just a few tears shed over the loss.  But at least I am doing it on my terms and hopefully that will carry me past the waterworks that will ensue as the clippers touch my head.

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